|
By guest author
WEISSDORN
A Real German is either Catholic or Protestant, unless he/she is
not. AMEN. How do you find this out? At the very latest, when you
apply for your Tax Card. In Germany you get taxed for being a Christian,
a Jew or a Moslem. But this doesn't bother Real Germans, because
it's better to be a Christian than being an "Other". Why?
Because you can avoid unpleasant discussions with the personnel
manager during your job interview if you have to explain why you
are an "Other". Make it easy on yourself, as a Real German,
and be Christian, that way, there will be no questions asked.
But even if they are not, when their children reach a certain age
they will of course become Catholic or Protestant - because what
better excuse is there for Real German Families to get together
and celebrate?
Actually not many Real German Christians spend that much time,
other than on Sunday, if and when they go to church, thinking about
or talking to God or Jesus. Actually there are only four major times
a German deals with the church.
CHRISTENING
There is no such thing as baby showers in Germany, because if there
were, they wouldn't have big Christening parties. The biggest decision
the new parents have to make, is who gets to (or has to) be the
God Father and/or Mother. In some families there are scabbles of
who gets the honor, and others they have to draw straws of who gets
the duty.
Whoever gets picked is then the lucky vice-guest-of-honor for the
Christening, and gets to be the lucky aunt or uncle who has to fork
out the most money for all of the kid's birthdays, Christmas and
Easter presents. Once they used to pick these people on their ability
to raise the child in the event of the accidental death of the parents.
These days, they pick them based on the most loaded relative in
the family tree, because the family expects the biggest present
from the God Father and/or Mother every holiday. Should this honored
person dodge his obligation at any birthday or Christmas, he or
she will enrich the family gossip for years, and need not bother
coming to family celebrations in the future. I have escaped this
dubious duty several times, simply based on the fact that I have
never been christened myself, and thus do not qualify to be a God
Mother.
CONFIRMATION / COMMUNION
For the first few years of a Real German's life, he or she has little
contact with the church, unless his parents are particularily religious.
Then we they start school they receive religion as a mandetory subject
in school. Why?
Because the school has a copy of the parents records, which noted
that on the parents' tax card, the parents admitted being Christian.
This automatically condemns junior to learn all about Jesus and
his pals, and to teach young children that you can actually kill
someone when you hammer nails in someone's hands and feet and hang
him up on a cross to dry in the sun. At some point or other, the
church will requires a belief commitment from their new sprouts,
which leaves some young people in doubt, and start to worry (really
German!).
Needless to say, somewhat older children will be consulted if this
is a good idea or not. The consultation must go sometime like this,
"Ya just do it. The whole family will smother you in cash and
presents." Suddenly it dawns in the young Real German's mind
that he can combine religious rituals with the affordability marketing
principles for obtaining that Pokemon game Mom refuses to buy. When
the young generation of Real Germans become Protestants and Catholics,
they drop all their coolness and allow themselves to be decked out
in pretty white lacy dresses and very smart suits for the occasion,
and learn quite a few uncool Bible verses and such, and behave in
a rather uncool way for the duration, and on the special day they
collect quite a tidy heap of pocket money from their far-flung relatives,
in celebration of the great event, although quite suddenly after
the event it is all forgotten and they are once again Cool Kids
in crotch-hanging jeans and bare midriffs showing pierced navels
and tattoos.
Next page
> Real Germans and Weddings
and Funerals> Page 1,
2
|
