By guest author
Real Germans want everything at least 99.999999%. That is to say,
before they purchase any product it should be 100% with a 1 Euro
price. Maximum quality (nothing less will do), and minimum price.
Real Germans are perpetual bargain hunters. As soon as they buy
anything they are slightly unhappy, because somewhere else that
has inevitably escaped their attention, there was some place that
had a better quality and it was cheaper!
Real Germans hate anything artificial in their food, even if it
does improve the quality of the food, such as additives, vitamins,
preservatives, or things that prevent it from becoming "yucky"
after 24 hours. Let us not even speak about gene-spliced food or
drugs to prevent livestock from becoming sick.
Many real German men love their cars more than their children.
While children usually don't mind their parents, the car never fails
to obey the commands of it's driver. And let's face it, a convertible
Mercedes does look more attractive than some little kid with ice
cream squished all over his face.
Real Germans are in love with their jobs. A German without a recognized
profession is a nobody. A poor life have professional nobodies in
Germany. Those are the people who did not qualify for some profession,
like me, because my academic credentials where obtained in the U.S.,
which all Germans know are inferior to REAL German learning institutions.
Even though a German may be unemployed for a substantial amount
of time, he is still somebody, because he has learned a profession.
Real Germans are worry-worts. Female Germans excel in this trait.
Worrying is almost a full-time job, because daily there are lots
of things to worry about in this country. Will Germany ever live
it down that they came in second place in the World Soccer Cup?
Will another airplane crash over my head if I live near Lake Constance?
If the poor Soviet people come to Germany to claim the horrid broken
bodies of their children, will they want to stay in Germany and
never go home? Will I lose my job because the Euro is making everything
more expensive? If I leave work now, will there still be a parking
place available at the supermarket?
Want to make a real German turn white with shock? Just tell him,
that where you live you don't have liability insurance, you aren't
too concerned if your kids don't have a registered place for pre-school,
and if your landlord evicts you - hey no big deal, you'll just move.
Real Germans hate "winging it". They like pre-planned
programs with lots of little details. They can usually be the first
people to point out that you made a mistake in your planning.
There is a rumor that Germans have no sense of humor. This is absolutely
false. They do have a sense of humor, in fact there is even a non-translatable
word for their sense of humor, "Schadensfreude". There
are two words stuck in this word. The first one is "Schadens"
which means "misfortune", "damage", "injury".
The other word is "Freude" which means "joy",
"happiness". In other words, it literally means "joy
for another's misfortune", which is why Mr. Bean is more popular
in Germany than in Britain. Germans do not feel any sympathy for
Mr. Bean. They are not laughing with him; they are laughing at him.
For real German profanity is anal and not coital. Germans do not
say "F*ck!" when they are angry or disappointed, they
say "Sh*t!". Likewise they do not describe a person they
are not particular fond of as a "M*ther-F*cker!" but instead
as an "A**hole!". Some say it was no wonder that Sigmund
Freund "discovered" the concept of anal fixation; his
first patients let out their frustration in the German language.
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